The tradesman’s charter

As a truly professional tradesman:

1. I will use your garden flower beds and driveway as an ashtray.

2. I will cut and mix materials like plaster and cement on your expensive mono-block driveway with little or no precautions against spills and splashes.

3. I won’t clean up these spills or splashes, whether on the mono-block, adjacent vehicles, walls, doors, etc.

4. I will enter every room in your house whether I need to be there or not.

5. I will leave the doors open in these rooms so that the whole house gets covered in muck.

6. I will re-open these doors each and every time you close them.

7. I will look at all your stuff from the top of the loft, all through the house and into your garage. I’ll do garden buildings too, given the chance.

8. I will comment on the stuff you have in these places so that you know I really have been there, looking, just in case you miss me in the act. Clearly, it is all my business.

9. I will use your lawn as a tip for all the debris removed from the project.

10. I will forget to bring dust sheets.

11. The ones you supply will be used as an apology of an attempt to protect your expensive carpets.

12. I will make a token gesture to clean these carpets at the end of each day although deep down you know this is only removing the top surface muck and the fibres are engrained. You might consider replacing them. It wouldn’t add very much cost to the job.

13. I will use lots of your household products as working materials in the execution of my labours. This might be toilet rolls for cleaning up grouting and soaking up plumbing spills and leaks. It could be spray cleaners to remove plaster/grout from the bath surface. The list could be endless. Make sure you have a good supply of sponges in. These cloth wipes are good too.

14. I will use your floor brush in my token attempts to clean up, including the plaster and tile dust on the garage floor. Don’t worry that your brush will be utterly trashed and unfit to take back into your house again, never mind used for future cleaning activities.

15. Despite written agreement and charges included to remove it all, I will not have enough room in my van to remove very much of the rubble, broken toilet pans, etc. and offer to come back in a few weeks to remove it. You can dance round it while you do the gardening projects you planned for the next few weeks that you booked holidays off work to do. The next door neighbours selling their home will surely appreciate it all piled against their fence for that time too, as will the rest of the neighbourhood.

16. I will use your garden hose to fill my buckets from your external tap. The condition of your hose when I am done is none of my concern and I may leave it lying around uncoiled and cemented up.

17. With or without your knowledge or permission I will use tools and anything else I choose that can be found anywhere in your house or garage, even if this means digging through old boxes stashed at the back of your garage. Perhaps it could even be a pot from the matching set in the kitchen.

18. Once used I will discard these borrowed items anywhere without any regard for their condition or any attempt to restore them to original or even usable condition. This may include but not limited to leaving plane and surf-form blades sharp edge down on your expensive and unique hallway table.

19. I will use the clear space in your garage as my workshop for the duration of the project without asking and with no regard as to whether it would be any inconvenience to you.

20. I will not consider whether you have items in your garage (now my workshop) that may be damaged by the dust and immense mess I will make.

21. I will not attempt to secure the garage by leaving it open and unattended for long periods with no respect to your repeated requests to keep the door closed or to the value you may place on any items within, even if not financially very valuable.

22. I will remove fixtures and fittings, damage them or throw them away irrespective of whether they are connected to the project or require to be re-used or reinstalled.

23. I won’t check whether existing installations are operational and blame them for being previously faulty when they don’t work after the project is complete.

24. I will not do any work that wasn’t agreed in explicit detail prior to commencement even although it would make total sense to anyone that it would be required by default as an integral part of the project.

25. I will not specify the quantities required nor check that the materials supplied by the customer are adequate to complete the project prior to starting (or at least at the outset when they could be ordered in on time) and claim additional costs for addition work time required by delays in supply.

26. I will perform the installations in the most illogical way to ensure maximum wastage or use an incomprehensible layout, thereby running out of materials. A side benefit of this is that it will look like a pig’s breakfast too.

27. The cost of a single or small quantity of materials required to complete the project will be the most expensive per unit item(s) as delivery and minimum order quantities literally result in costs of 10 times what the original unit price would be for volume with free delivery.

28. I won’t comply with statutory regulations or safety requirements for electrical installations making them potentially lethal.

29. Removing an old installation and fitting out a new one does not mean plugging any external holes or gaps created in the process unless specified in writing in the quote. I wont mention or discuss them until the job is done, if even then.

30. I won’t be bound to replace any lagging, insulation or lids on loft water tanks or pipes that I may remove in the execution of my work. If you’re too old, infirmed or technically inept to go and check these things for yourself when I’m done, should these subsequently freeze up in the winter and flood your house etc., there will be absolutely no recourse or way to prove that I was in any way liable. Isn’t that why you have insurance? You can do without proper water, bathing and heating in your house in the summer. Live a balanced lifestyle with a week or two in the midst of winter also. Perhaps there will be a foot of snow on the ground at the time too, like last year, for the perfect “White Christmas”.

31. I will use the cooker to light my cigarettes and forget to turn off the gas burner. With a minimum flame that no one will notice and without any pots on, this may eventually blow out in the draught leaving the gas flowing without a flame to burn it off.

32. I will wander around the house saying I can smell gas.

33. I will demand payment on completion without allowing any viewing or inspection and resisting access due to any excuse, e.g. the floor grouting  is still setting and cannot be walked on for 24 hours minimum. You wouldn’t want to damage your good new floor would you? Plus I couldn’t repair any damage, caused by you for walking on it prematurely, without considerable extra cost.

34. I wont be concerned that my failure to properly connect essential plumbing fittings will cause a flood at midnight that will warp woodwork, damage carpets in adjacent rooms, and pour water down into your kitchen below.

35. It will be of no concern to me that the said kitchen, which has just been plaster skimmed and painted to a very high standard by other proper professional tradesmen at great expense, will now have a major crack and water stains.

36. I won’t be concerned about you having no running water, heating or bathing facilities while I sun myself, somewhere foreign, hot and sunny.

So get your house in order. I’m a tradesman and I’m here to make your quality of life so much better. It won’t be cheap but we are the best.

Disclaimer: Please note this blog is a satirical article based on recent (ongoing) experiences with tradesmen and in no way represents any terms or conditions of products or services offered by noyo or affiliates.